B"H

FEAR & VULNERABILITY

Sunday, September 7th

My homework was awful today!
I'm really dissatisfied with my lettering. I mean, I've got the forms, but sometimes a letter or two will start getting inconsistant as my hand tires & it's *so* frusterating. & my spacing needs work. Basically, I'm a perfectionist experiencing The Long Dark Night Of The Soul, so it's Hell. Actually, catching a flick in Hell would be really nice right about now...& it's just up the road...
This Work requires that my lettering is PERFECT. There are 4,000 rules to have memorized - yes, FOUR THOUSAND - before I'll really be knowledgeable enough to write such a holy scroll. At least I'm getting used to the idea that *I* don't have to be perfect, that my soul doesn't have to be. But these sacred letters must be.
Full of fear & nausea once again, I slept on couch til 1 am.
When I moved to my bed, the spooky noises kept me up - so I watched the ginger tomcat fish in the pond below my kitchen window. It was very cute. He was unsuccessful. Lucky goldfish.
I read my R' Nebenzahl book again, looking for a way to ground myself into producing improved lettering.
B'ezrat HaShem