BS"D

MEMBERSHIP HAS ITS PRIVILEGES

Shabat, August 21st
After my ethics & Halakhah tantrum last night, I felt better in the morning after the sleep. But nothing has changed. I felt surly, so I wore my nightgown & flip-flops to Darchei Noam for services. Nobody would ever know it's a nightgown - it's a beautiful, simple dress that Kyla brought home for me from Islamabad. So I just look very tsenu'ah (modest/hidden) in it.
As is customary with synagogues, guests from out of town are offered aliyot, the opportunity to approach the Sefer Torah & bless the readings. A woman approached me & offered me an aliyah, but I smiled & refused. I thanked her very much, but I was hoping that Joel would be offered an aliyah & I didn't want to minimise his chances. Besides, I felt wierd accepting an aliyah after all these years of not performing gabbai duties or leading services. Funny. I'll write a Torah, but I won't read from one - publicly, at least. Actually, it isn't that. It's just that I don't feel comfortable doing that in front of men. Darchei Noam has a mechitzah, a separation between the men & women, which I deem essential to prayer, but they allow both men & women up on the bimah at the same time for the Torah reading. Meet The *New* Modern Orthodoxy. Joel wasn't offered an aliyah after all, & later he told me he wished I'd taken the opportunity, since there are no Orthodox shuls at home which do this. Oh well, next time.
There were snacks at the qidush & we hung around for a while, but nobody greeted or even noticed us. We made lunch back at the flat. Then I took a nap. Struggling with gender/sexual orientation/calling makes me very tired.
debates, conversations, wonderings
another nap
that's all