BS"D

JUST DO IT

This just in from my Sofer:

"if you agonize over your second word ad kdei kach already you will never progress. just write.

(or in your language, there are hundreds of thousands of children waiting to be born.)"

304,805 letters to be exact.
This spiritual process of mine is how to midwife them...

BS"D

LOSS

Each erased mark a miscarriage
Each erased letter the death of a child

BS"D

EXHALE

The next word I was to write was "Shotrey". I looked, I pronounced, then touched my quill to the qlaf to make the first stroke. I made a mark. I peered at it. It's in the wrong place. I scanned the entire line in my tiqun to see how many letters I would have to fit comfortably - beautifully - into this line. It was iffy. That first mark I made for the Shin was too far away & would cause too broad a space between this word & the first, & use up more of the precious little space I had for the other words. I put my quill back in its qeset & stopped writing. I would have to let this mark dry before I took it out. At least it's only a mark. It isn't "something", however focused my kavanah was just now, so I can just erase it (carefully). Had I made an entire letter, I would have had to erase all of it, further disturbing the surface of the qlaf. We aren't allowed to form the otiyot (letters) by scraping or erasing, only by adding ink, building each individual form. Like an embryo growing into its intended Self.

BS"D

INHALE...

An important diary entry I neglected to make at the time:

January 28th 2004/5 Shvat 5764 - Parshat Sh'mot
I woke that morning, knowing that THIS was the morning. I wanted to procrastinate. I washed, dressed & davened shachrit. I'd been to miqveh already, so I took a thorough shower, followed by yoga. I meditated on the Alefbet, trying to be present with the essence of each letter. To bring their strength with me. I approached my writing table with trepidation, wondering why I didn't feel more joy, after a lifetime bringing me to this point. I sat before the clean, bare qlaf, perfectly scored. Line after blank line I must fill with the word of G@d. I tried to empty my self in order to be a vessel for this holiness. I still wanted to procrastinate. I sharpened the edge on my quill. I shifted in my chair. I made some tea. I was procrastinating.
I dipped my quill. It was sharp, full of ink & there was really nothing else left to do. I recited the statement that I was writing this Sefer Torah for the sake of Heaven. I exhaled. I looked into my tiqun for the word, the first word I would write. It was "Vayir'u" - "And they saw". I pronounced the word. I was terrified. I leaned forward & named each letter as I wrote it: "Vav...Yud...Resh...Alef...Vav."
I exhaled.

SO much has transpired since I last wrote. I completed my first Megilat Esther, with G@d's help. It taught me so much & I am deeply grateful.
I'll fill these pages, bli neder, with life now that I'm recovered from Purim :)
G@d is great!

GILGUL

BS"D


As I finish writing this Megilat Esther for my shul, I am so grateful to haShem. This may be only the third Megilat Esther ever written by a woman - the first traditionally being by Queen Esther & the second by Sarah bat HaRav David Oppenheim of Prague 300 years ago.

Also grateful to R' Ross Singer for all his research & his request that I write for Shaarey Tefilah. Barukh haMaqom.